Problem-Solving in Marriage
by Pastor Dag Heward-MIlls
The home is a garden. Weeds keep cropping up in a garden that must be constantly removed, so that our planted seeds can grow well. Every normal marriage has problems and challenges. It is only when there is a fire that you see which of the sticks around you is actually a snake.
And when Paul had gathered a bundle of sticks, and laid them on the fire, there came a viper out of the heat… Acts 28:3
In other words, in times of trouble, the character of a spouse shows clearly.
But and if thou marry, thou hast not sinned; and if a virgin marry, she hath not sinned. Nevertheless such shall have trouble in the flesh: but I spare you. 1 Corinthians 7:28
Remember the prayer of St. Francis Xavier:
“God grant me the courage to change the things I can change; the serenity to accept the things I cannot change and the wisdom to know the difference.” Major Problem Areas in Marriage
(a) Communication
(b) Sex
© Money
(d) Temperament
(e) Children
(f) In-laws
(g) Job
(h) Housework
(i) Infidelity.
Approach Brethren, if a man be overtaken in a fault, ye which are spiritual, restore such an one in the spirit of meekness; considering thyself, lest thou also be tempted. Galatians 6:1
It is in the interest of married couples to do all they can to prevent problems from showing up in their marriages. Preventive measures are always better than curative solutions to problems.
However, the reality of the marital relationship is that no matter what you do, issues crop up that lead to problems. If problems arise, your approach to solving them must be this:1
(a) Pray about the situation.
(b) Be positive that there is a solution.
© Bring up the issue (in the spirit of meekness––do not be confrontational).
(d) Identify the causes (sincerely). Get to the root, not the tip of the problem.
(e) If necessary, consult your pastors.
Methods of Solving Problems
1. Be ready to compromise.
There is no winner or loser in marriage, you are one flesh.2When there is a clear disagreement, the husband’s decision must stand and the wife must support it even if he turns out to be wrong. However, the man must not be domineering. He must not be a dictator in his house.3
2. Things to avoid when solving problems:
(a) Do not shout.
(b) Do not share your problems with your relatives or friends.
© Do not break down in tears.
(d) Do not use sex as a weapon (do not refuse him/her).
(e) Do not refuse to eat prepared food.
(f) Never use the word DIVORCE in quarrels.
(g) Avoid the counsel of the ungodly.
3. Have a forgiving attitude and spirit.
Forgiveness is very essential for the survival of the marriage.4Do not be nice to outsiders, but impatient and inconsiderate to your spouse.
4. Be prepared to talk frankly about the issue.
The offended person must be willing to open up and share in love rather than nag, shout or bury things.
For I am full of matter, the spirit within me constraineth me. Behold, my belly is as wine which hath no vent; it is ready to burst like new bottles. I will speak, that I may be refreshed: I will open my lips and answer. Job 32:18-20
5. The other party must be willing to accept fault and apologise.
“I AM SORRY.” These three words can resolve almost all quarrels. Be humble and don’t find it difficult to apologise.
And when ye stand praying, forgive, if ye have ought against any: that your Father also which is in heaven may forgive you your trespasses. But if ye do not forgive, neither will your Father which is in “heaven forgive your trespasses. Mark 11:25-26
6. Do not let any problem colour your future actions.5
Counsellors to note:
1. Our marriage counselling applies to the ideal couple who are both born-again Christians and submitted to the Word of God.
2. If both of them are not fully submitted to the pastors and the Church, you cannot really solve the problems.
3. If the person is not in your church, don’t waste much time because they are not fully submitted to you.
4. Don’t take sides in solving problems.
5. Don’t answer the question, “What should I do?” in a direct way. People will say you made them do whatever they did.
6. Don’t be so vague that people cannot understand what you are saying.
Notes
Charles R. Swindoll, Strike the Original Match (Portland, Oregon: Multnomah Press, 1980), 106 – 66.
Les Carter, The Push-Pull Marriage: Learning and Living the Art of Give and Take (Grand Rapids, Michigan: Baker Book House, 1985), 67 – 81.
H. Norman Wright, Communication: Key To Your Marriage (Glendale, California: G/L Publications, 1974), 38, 163 – 6.
Bob and Jan Horner, Resolving Conflict in Your Marriage (Loveland, Colorado: Group Publishing Inc., 2000), 70 – 71.
Dennis and Barbara Rainey, Starting Your Marriage Right (Nashville, Tennessee: Thomas Nelson Publishers, 2000), 48 – 51; Neil T. Anderson and Charles Nylander, The Christ-Centered Marriage (Ontario: Glint, 1996), 137.
by Dag Heward-Mills
by the best selling author and a mega church Pastor Dag Heward-Mills
The home is a garden. Weeds keep cropping up in a garden that must be constantly removed, so that our planted seeds can grow well. Every normal marriage has problems and challenges. It is only when there is a fire that you see which of the sticks around you is actually a snake.
And when Paul had gathered a bundle of sticks, and laid them on the fire, there came a viper out of the heat… Acts 28:3
In other words, in times of trouble, the character of a spouse shows clearly.
But and if thou marry, thou hast not sinned; and if a virgin marry, she hath not sinned. Nevertheless such shall have trouble in the flesh: but I spare you. 1 Corinthians 7:28
Remember the prayer of St. Francis Xavier:
“God grant me the courage to change the things I can change; the serenity to accept the things I cannot change and the wisdom to know the difference.” Major Problem Areas in Marriage
(a) Communication
(b) Sex
© Money
(d) Temperament
(e) Children
(f) In-laws
(g) Job
(h) Housework
(i) Infidelity.
Approach Brethren, if a man be overtaken in a fault, ye which are spiritual, restore such an one in the spirit of meekness; considering thyself, lest thou also be tempted. Galatians 6:1
It is in the interest of married couples to do all they can to prevent problems from showing up in their marriages. Preventive measures are always better than curative solutions to problems.
However, the reality of the marital relationship is that no matter what you do, issues crop up that lead to problems. If problems arise, your approach to solving them must be this:1
(a) Pray about the situation.
(b) Be positive that there is a solution.
© Bring up the issue (in the spirit of meekness––do not be confrontational).
(d) Identify the causes (sincerely). Get to the root, not the tip of the problem.
(e) If necessary, consult your pastors.
Methods of Solving Problems
1. Be ready to compromise.
There is no winner or loser in marriage, you are one flesh.2When there is a clear disagreement, the husband’s decision must stand and the wife must support it even if he turns out to be wrong. However, the man must not be domineering. He must not be a dictator in his house.3
2. Things to avoid when solving problems:
(a) Do not shout.
(b) Do not share your problems with your relatives or friends.
© Do not break down in tears.
(d) Do not use sex as a weapon (do not refuse him/her).
(e) Do not refuse to eat prepared food.
(f) Never use the word DIVORCE in quarrels.
(g) Avoid the counsel of the ungodly.
3. Have a forgiving attitude and spirit.
Forgiveness is very essential for the survival of the marriage.4Do not be nice to outsiders, but impatient and inconsiderate to your spouse.
4. Be prepared to talk frankly about the issue.
The offended person must be willing to open up and share in love rather than nag, shout or bury things.
For I am full of matter, the spirit within me constraineth me. Behold, my belly is as wine which hath no vent; it is ready to burst like new bottles. I will speak, that I may be refreshed: I will open my lips and answer. Job 32:18-20
5. The other party must be willing to accept fault and apologise.
“I AM SORRY.” These three words can resolve almost all quarrels. Be humble and don’t find it difficult to apologise.
And when ye stand praying, forgive, if ye have ought against any: that your Father also which is in heaven may forgive you your trespasses. But if ye do not forgive, neither will your Father which is in “heaven forgive your trespasses. Mark 11:25-26
6. Do not let any problem colour your future actions.5
Counsellors to note:
1. Our marriage counselling applies to the ideal couple who are both born-again Christians and submitted to the Word of God.
2. If both of them are not fully submitted to the pastors and the Church, you cannot really solve the problems.
3. If the person is not in your church, don’t waste much time because they are not fully submitted to you.
4. Don’t take sides in solving problems.
5. Don’t answer the question, “What should I do?” in a direct way. People will say you made them do whatever they did.
6. Don’t be so vague that people cannot understand what you are saying.
Notes
Charles R. Swindoll, Strike the Original Match (Portland, Oregon: Multnomah Press, 1980), 106 – 66.
Les Carter, The Push-Pull Marriage: Learning and Living the Art of Give and Take (Grand Rapids, Michigan: Baker Book House, 1985), 67 – 81.
H. Norman Wright, Communication: Key To Your Marriage (Glendale, California: G/L Publications, 1974), 38, 163 – 6.
Bob and Jan Horner, Resolving Conflict in Your Marriage (Loveland, Colorado: Group Publishing Inc., 2000), 70 – 71.
Dennis and Barbara Rainey, Starting Your Marriage Right (Nashville, Tennessee: Thomas Nelson Publishers, 2000), 48 – 51; Neil T. Anderson and Charles Nylander, The Christ-Centered Marriage (Ontario: Glint, 1996), 137.
by Dag Heward-Mills
by the best selling author and a mega church Pastor Dag Heward-Mills
