Have ye forgotten the wickedness of your fathers, and the wickedness of the kings of Judah, and THE WICKEDNESS OF THEIR WIVES, and your own wickedness, and THE WICKEDNESS OF YOUR WIVES, which they have committed in the land of Judah, and in the streets of Jerusalem?

Jeremiah 44:9

This book does not apply to you if you are not a pastor.

Do not continue to read this book if you are not a pastor.

If you are not a pastor please stop here!

If you are not a pastor and you continue reading you will criticize things you do not understand.

If you are not a pastor, please get another book on marriage. There are many good books on marriage that will help your life greatly. If you need information on how to get a good book on marriage, please ask at the nearest bookshop.

It is a blessing to have a good marriage and I am aware of many great and good marriages that are marvellous blessings. What are some of the blessings of a great marriage?

1. A good marriage is a blessing because two are better than one.There are many scriptures that attest to this fact.

Two are better than one; because they have a good reward for their labour. For if they fall, the one will lift up his fellow: but woe to him that is alone when he falleth; for he hath not another to help him up.

Again, if two lie together, then they have heat: but how can one be warm alone? And if one
prevail against him, two shall withstand him; and a threefold cord is not quickly broken.

Ecclesiastes 4:9-12

2. A good marriage is a blessing because a married couple can do ten times as much as a single person.

How should one chase a thousand, and two put ten thousand to flight, except their Rock had sold them, and the Lord had shut them up?

Deuteronomy 32:30

3. A good marriage is a blessing because a married man has great favour with God.

Whoso findeth a wife findeth a good thing, and obtaineth favour of the Lord.

Proverbs 18:22

Even though a good marriage is a great blessing, there are many different types of marriages. Not all marriages end up achieving the aim of being a blessing to the couple.

“Counterfeit” marriages only exist because there are real and good marriages.

This book is about certain types of marriages that do exist. This is a book for pastors and their marriages and NOT for ordinary Christians or non-believers. A large part of this book will not apply to you if you are not a pastor or a pastor’s wife.

Many books on marriage make pastors feel that they are married to the wrong person because their marriages are not as nice sounding as the author’s.

Then they become shocked when they hear that pastors with such apparently fantastically good marriages are getting divorced.

This is not a book about normal marriages. This book is

nota balanced two-sided discussion on marital issues. I could indeed write a book about both husbands and wives. I could also write a book about how to have a successful marriage. I could even write a book about how to overcome the various problems that couples face in marriage. However, I am not doing that in this volume. I have chosen to write a book on a topic that is not usually discussed.

This book is about the wickedness of wives. I am writing this book about the wickedness that is submerged beneath the beauty of many wives. If you are looking for a good book on marriage, please find another book, as this is not that book. This book is about the beauty, the beast that is in some pastors’ wives and the struggles that pastors have with them. Many pastors marry beauties! But many beauties are also beasts!

I am aware that most people would be afraid to suggest that kind and gentle-looking wives could have any wickedness in them. As I said, I am not intending to have a balanced, two-sided discussion on marriage. If you want a balanced discussion about the good and bad sides of men and the good and bad sides of women, please stop reading now. This is a book about the wickedness of wives, especially the wickedness of some Christian wives and some ministers’ wives.

The prophet Jeremiah lamented about the wickedness that wives had committed in Judah and in Jerusalem. These wives were not unbelieving wives but wives that belonged to the house of Israel. The wickedness of the wives that Jeremiah spoke of was the wickedness of idolatry and rebellion against God. The wickedness I am writing about is also about the rebellion of some ministers’ wives against God’s word.

This, indeed, is a book for ministers and their wives. This is a book that describes some of the experiences that devoted Christians and men of God experience in their marriages. This book is in fact about marital situations that ministers find themselves in, but are unable to talk about.

But and if thou marry, thou hast not sinned; and if a virgin marry, she hath not sinned. Nevertheless SUCH SHALL HAVE TROUBLE in the flesh: but I spare you.

1 Corinthians 7:28

Paul prophesied that those who marry would have trouble in the flesh. Perhaps that is why he did not marry. And by the way, I have not written this book because I do not know any negative things about men. I do! Also, I have not written this book because I want to write negative things about women. I believe so much in the ministry, the anointing, the wisdom and the role of women that I have appointed and promoted many women in ministry. I do not know anyone who has identified and appointed more women as pastors than I have, although I am sure there are others.

As you read on, you may wonder why I do not balance the bad sides of women with the bad sides of men. The reason is simple; that is not the aim of this book! If I were to write about the terrible sins of men in marriage, I would completely miss the message God has given me. If I were to do that, this book would be far bigger than it is and people like you, who do not read much, would not even attempt to read it.

This book is intended to explain some of the mysterious roles women have played in the lives of ministers. We praise our women and are grateful for their role in marriage and ministry. Without the help of women, we would not achieve much in the work of God. I believe that one of the secrets of church growth is to work with women and give them prominence.

Women are praised but little is said about their negative ways, because every one is afraid to look bad or sound as though they have any difficulties in their marriage. But I would not like to keep back anything that may be profitable to you.

… I kept back nothing that was profitable unto you, but have shewed you, and have taught you publicly, and from house to house,

Acts 20:20

The beauty is real but the beast is also real! Little is said about the destructive role of women in ministry. Our Book, the Bible, is not silent on the role of women in the destruction of this world. Through Eve, Adam’s life and ministry were destroyed. Through Eve, the whole human race has been sent into darkness and difficulty.

There are many pastors who are in distress, in darkness and in difficulty through their beautiful well made-up wives.

The reason for this book is to help give the real picture about what some people are experiencing.

Another reason for this book is to help those who are about to choose a “beauty”. It is important for them to know that their “beauty” can easily turn into a “beast”! Hopefully, this book will also help all beautiful women not to turn into beasts!

When John Wesley was still single, he fell ill and stayed with a lady who later became his wife. He described how beautiful, how pleasant and how nice she was. Her words were memorable! Her tone was soft! John Wesley was drawn uncontrollably to her comforting love! In his words, Molly, his future wife gave him all the assurances he ever needed. He described her kind of love as intense! He spoke about her “inviolable affection”. This English word (inviolable) goes even beyond my ability to interpret.

Eiii!Inviolable affection! I wish to quote from John Wesley, when he first met his “beauty”, his “beloved” Molly (before he married her).

John Wesley said, “I HAD ALL THE ASSURANCES WHICH WORDS COULD GIVE, OF THE MOST INTENSE AND INVIOLABLE AFFECTION.”

But one day, after years of marriage he used completely different words to describe her. His beauty had become a beast. One day, his wife was leaving home and embarking on a journey. This is the woman he spoke of having intense inviolable affection for. He said to her as she went out of the door: “I HOPE I NEVER SEE YOUR WICKED FACE AGAIN.”

“I hope I never see your wicked face again” was the wish of John Wesley after he had experienced the “beast” in his “beauty”. This is a classic example of the pastor who marries a beauty who turns into a beast!

Indeed, this book is also intended to strengthen the arms of those who are deeply embedded in irreversible marriage situations. I hope that this book will help to prevent ministers from divorcing by giving them an understanding of what they are actually experiencing.

I am sure many people will identify things in this book that they can relate with. Use the knowledge, the understanding and the wisdom that you receive from these words to fight the good fight of faith. Marriage is one of the tests we face and we must succeed in it! For some people, marriage is the greatest comfort they will ever have! For some people, marriage is the greatest cross they will ever bear! Some people have excellent marriages. But not all ministers have a good experience or a good story to tell about marriage. Indeed, there are many ministers who would describe their marriage as a battle.

Many great men of God speak about their “excellent marriages” in such a way that intimidates and confuses other Christians and pastors. When other ministers hear their descriptions of their marriages, they shrink away. “Wow,” they say to themselves, “I dare not discuss my marriage situation with these blessed ones.” (This also happens when pastors attend pastors’ conferences and hear fantastic stories about mega churches that have thousands of members.) Most ordinary pastors feel intimidated because they do not have thousands of members attending their churches.

Pastors hear amazing statements from these picture-perfect marriages:

“My wife is the most beautiful woman in the world.”

“I owe my life and my ministry to my wife!”

“I don’t know where I would be without my wife!”

“There would be no ‘me’ without ‘you’!”

“There is none like you! No one else can touch my heart like you do!”

“I cannot go anywhere without my wife!”

My wife is my greatest assistant, partner and support!”

“I have never quarrelled with my wife before!’

“I tell my wife, ‘I love you’ ten times every day!”

“I cannot imagine living for even one day without my wife!”

“My wife and I sleep in each other’s arms every night!”

“My wife is my closest friend in this world!”

“Whenever I miss my wife, I kiss her picture. But when I see her, I kiss the real thing!”

“My wife is the most beautiful lady in the whole world, my soul mate, my life partner, my friend, my joy, my darling and my heartthrob!”

“If marks were being given for good marriages, I would get 99 per cent!’

Wow! These are wonderful statements! I wish everyone would be able to say all the things above. These are exactly the kinds of marriages we need if we are to succeed in the ministry.

But this is not the experience that all married ministers have! How do I know? I know because I have been in the ministry for many years and I know thousands of pastors. I also know this for a fact because of the rate of divorce amongst pastors. Many ministers have made the statements above, portraying pictures that depict the greatest love of all, only to announce later that they were getting divorced.

For some people, the opposite of all these statements may be more true. There are some pastors who would prefer to say things like:

“My wife is the most beautiful woman in the world, but it is not easy to live with her!’

“I wish I could be delivered from my wife!”

“My wife is the greatest opposer of my life and ministry.”

“My wife is the greatest accuser and tormentor of my life!”

“We have not had sex for several months!”

“My wife and I have not been speaking since last month!”

“I don’t tell my wife, ‘I love you’ because I do not want to lie!”

“I can’t wait for the day I will be without my wife!”

“My wife and I sleep at opposite ends of the bed every night!”

“I am not close to my wife any more!”

“I do not miss my wife. Whenever I see her picture, I weep for the sorrow in my heart!”

“My marriage is the greatest mistake of my life!”

“If I had a different wife, I would have achieved more in the ministry.”

Many of us behave like African herbalists when it comes to marriage. Why do I say so? An African herbalist usually has a single potion that is supposed to cure every ailment you could ever have. This herbalist’s potion can cure bad eyesight, piles, toothache, hypertension, diabetes, cancer, rashes, asthma, waist pains, erectile dysfunction, constipation,

diarrhoea, general weakness, impotence, etc. You will hear the herbalist advertising his potions and convincing his audience with great zeal. It is only the ignorant

who are taken in by claims that one drug can cure all these things. We all know that the same medicine cannot correct your eyesight, your hip pain, your

diarrhoea, your skin rashes as well as your high blood pressure and your haemorrhoids.

Yet, when it comes to marriage, most people have one potion that they apply to all marriages. They assume that every marriage is the same and they therefore apply the same measures to every type of marriage. This is a serious mistake because there are different kinds of marriages.

In some cases, you have a very good “devoted husband” who does absolutely everything a husband should do. And sometimes the devoted husband has an equally good wife who does all the things a “devoted” wife could ever do. On the other hand, a devoted husband could have the worst kind of female as his wife. A “devoted” wife could have an evil husband who does not even deserve to have a wife.

Many situations are so varied that they have to be understood on a case-by-case basis. It is wrong to crucify both the good and the bad together on the same day. (Jesus Christ

was crucified withthieves and it gave the impression that Jesus Christ was a common thief, simply because He was given the same treatment as a common criminal).

Every marriage gives rise to different experiences. Some people just have to follow the

“Seven steps to a good marriage”and they will experiencegreat happiness. There are others who can follow

“Seventy steps to a good marriage”, but will never have happiness.

Indeed, I have met several “unmarriageable” people. They cannot and probably should not marry because they are not suitable for marriage. They simply will never be happy in any marriage situation. Unfortunately, when an “unmarriageable” lady is very beautiful, she is quickly signed in to a marriage and ends up creating an intolerable situation for a pastor. The

counselling given to an “unmarriageable” person must be very different from the counselling given to a normal person.

This book is written to give counsel to people who are in certain kinds of marriages. Be careful if you are in one of the good marriage situations because you may be tempted to criticize marriages you do not understand!

Throughout this book I will intentionally not make mention of the personal blessings I have enjoyed in my own marriage. I will also not mention any challenges in my own marriage. Why is that? If I do mention the blessings of my own marriage, you may feel intimidated and think that your marriage is not good. Indeed, if I speak of my own challenges, you may probably not understand them! So just be blessed and receive healing for your life and marriage through the words in these pages.

by Dag Heward-Mills